Have mercy, Master W.

I'm just a lowly shoelace. I don't deserve to be eaten. I swear I don't taste very good!

This just isn't right.

I should be at the beach right now, not scraping dry dirt in a front yard planter. Building sandcastles and digging for shells is much more my speed.

I know just what you're thinking.

Wouldn't it be nice if Snow White came to our house to cook and clean for us?

She loved the bean burrito that came in this bag.

She put me in the kids meal bag after she ate the burrito.

Either she loves me as much as she loves burritos or she's planning to eat me. Let's hope she's not hungry for dessert.

We've got a date with the juicer.

It's probably going to be rather painful... but we're helping Miss C. make some wonderful summer memories so it'll be well worth it.

What could be sweeter than homemade lemonade on a hot day?

I don't want to look.

A few moments ago she almost sent me hurling off the top of the play structure. Hiding is good. Then at least I won't see what "fun" lies ahead.

You okay there, Kermit?

You don't look so good, man.

Next time make sure she sits you up before she sends you down. Then you'll slide rather than roll down the slide.

I'm no ordinary baby bottle.

You wouldn't know it just by looking at me, but I've got all kinds of hidden skills.

I've been a soap bottle, a tea time juice dispenser and even a bottle of medicine for sick bears.

I like to think of myself as the Swiss Army Knife of toys, the ultimate toddler multi-tool.

Uncle! Uncle!

You win! I swear, I'll never make fun of your sweeping skills again!

Just please, please stop stomping on me!

Only moments ago...

... I was sitting on this stick, minding my own business. Now I'm in the hand of a giant toddler. And I'm terrified of heights.

Help!

What did I do this time?

Well, I'm back in the hot seat. I'm really not sure what I did to deserve this. It's over 100 degrees outside, the air conditioning is broken, and here I sit on the hot grill in a jacket and jumpsuit.

Some things never change.

It seems like just yesterday when Miss C.'s mama was a little girl. I used to hold the bobby pins her own mama would use to pin up her braids in elaborate designs before school each day.

Years later, here I am in Miss C.'s room. I'm dented and worn, and the bobby pins have been replaced with colorful pony elastics and bright little clips. But each morning holds the same, love-filled routine with Miss C.'s mama taking the time to brush and braid her hair just like her mama did all those years ago.

I've got my eye on you, buddy.

I know you like to eat books. And I saw what you did to that book with the flaps. Don't even think about tearing up my pages.

Let's go out and play!

I'm all dried out. The weather's beautiful. It's a perfect day for running under the hose in the front yard.

C'mon, mama! Grab Miss C.'s towel and let's go!

You'll know it is time to turn the page...

... when you hear the chimes ring like this, "Ding!" Let's begin now.

Man, I love saying that.

I'd been collecting dust in that Radio Shack for who knows how long when Miss C. and her family came in the other day. It seems the kiddie tape player they found at Goodwill broke after only a few days use – hey, they just don't build 'em like they used to! Sooooo... they needed a new one for the read along books and tapes that Miss C. received for her birthday and there I was!

No boring desk job for me. I'm reading stories, singing songs and kickin' it old school with my best bud, Miss C.

Don't look now.

Master W.'s in the room and he's looking for something to drool on. We should be safe here under the bed. Just don't move a muscle.

Hooray!

You did it! You did it, Miss C.! You finally made it to the second rung!

I remember when you were just starting to walk, and you'd hold onto me for support while your mama looked on with pride in her eyes. Now look at you, climbing up like a big girl.

Awww, now I'm all misty-eyed. I guess I'm just a sentimental old park.

Put another candle on the birthday cake...

... the birthday cake, the birthday caaaaaake. Put another candle on the birthday cake, you're another year older today.

Happy birthday to you, you're another older today!

No matter how hard I try...

... I'm always one step behind Miss C. I can never manage to catch her. Playing tag just isn't as fun when you're a shadow.

Look at you!

Nearly three years old and full of big ideas.

I'm not just for sliding down anymore, am I? No sir, climbing is much more fun!

We're here!

Oh, I love the park. I love it. I love it. I LOVE IT!

Can I get out now? Pleeeease?

Oh, there's a bird! Let's go chase it!

Amateur.

Dude, I told you not to do it. When it comes to stunt driving, you're still green.

Me? I'm a professional. I've nailed this stunt a thousand times. Step aside and I'll show how a real stuntman operates.

Macho Man Randy Savage would be proud.

I can't believe I didn't see it coming. This kid's got a wicked Elbow Drop.

I could really use an aspirin right about now.

Don't try this at home.

The car is totaled. I'm in a lot of pain. And, yes, getting run over by a pink Porsche with flower detailing is really embarrassing.

How am I supposed to get down from here?

Miss C. was pushing me around the living room today, pretending to vacuum. She spotted some crumbs on the coffee table and couldn't resist using me to clean off the tabletop as well.

That was really fun. Well, until she left me stranded up here after running off to eat a fruit pop. It could be hours before anyone moves me.

Oh, well.

I'm stuck!

Could someone please help me out from underneath this book?

No extinction jokes, please. This is embarrassing enough as it is.

Not to name drop...

...but I've got Darth Vader on speed dial.

Yeah, that's right. Miss C. called him today and they talked bowling. Who knew he was such a regular guy?

Ow... ow... ow...

Master W. gave us a choice: be eaten or beaten. I chose the latter. I foolishly thought it would be preferable to being gnawed and slobbered on.

Yeah, that was a mistake.

How many times do I have to say it?

I am not a toy. I am a hospital-issue nasal aspirator. I resent the slobbering, hitting and general rough treatment I've been subjected to these past few weeks. And I demand an apology.

Hello?

Is anyone listening?

She's a modern Mad Hatter.

Miss C. set out tea for two... only instead of an ordinary tea party setup she put out an overturned teapot, a bunch of extra teacups and a spoon for eating milk out of the carton.

Oh yeah, and me. I may just be a frosted tea cookie, but I think she's cornered the market on Mad Tea Parties. The March Hare would be proud.